Oct. 27--Q: My 19-year-old son has withdrawn from the world. He lives at home and all he does is stay in his room and play computer games. Once in awhile he will get a job, but it never lasts long. He doesn't have a girlfriend. His few friends from high school visit once in awhile, but all they do is play video games with him. I think he is depressed. He saw a counselor a few times, but I can no longer get him to see anyone. What can I do to get him to help himself?
A: It is possible he is depressed and you should rule that out first. Consult with a psychiatrist or psychologist, the Help for Families panel suggests.
And don't give up on counseling.
"Just because counseling didn't work the first time, doesn't mean he wouldn't benefit from counseling if he tried again," says panelist Bill Vogler.
"If he had a disease, you would get him to a doctor. Appeal to his own sense that his life could be better. And you do have some leverage since you are providing food and shelter."
You also may be contributing to the problem by allowing him to live rent-free and responsibility-free under your roof, Vogler says.
"Adult children who live at home ought to have some responsibility and contribute in some way to the household," agrees panelist Denise Continenza. "You need to set boundaries. Tell him, 'You can live here but you have to take on adult responsibilities.' "
He also may be a late bloomer, Vogler says.
"Some people mature at different rates," he says. "They may be fine in high school because of the structure, but they may need a couple extra years to become an independent functioning adult."
The panel is concerned that your son seems to be withdrawing from his family.
"Withdrawing from social situations is a symptom of depression," Vogler says. "Do everything you can to make a connection. What are his interests? Draw him out of his room. Make an interpersonal connection. It may be hard. Depressed people can bring you down but you need to start within your own four walls."
Try to meet him on his own level, the panel suggests.
"Play video games with him," says panelist Rochelle Freedman. "Enter his world and make a connection. Video games are really a way to self medicate."
"When he seems disengaged he may have entered an on-line social circle," Continenza adds.
Also, as parents you may want to consider counseling for yourselves.
"You could tap into professional help and see how this is affecting you," Vogler says.
This is a difficult situation since your son is technically an adult, but it's normal for parents to want to protect their children from further damage and try to fix the problem, Continenza says.
"So many 19- and 20-years-old kids are floundering today," she says.
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