Q: For years, my ex and I got along fine and always put the kids' best interest first. But now she has remarried and her husband has a set visitation and he will not deviate from his schedule, so my ex and I fight about our schedule, which seems ridiculous to me.
A: Many professionals will tell you that decisions for the children should be made exclusively by the parents of those children. While that's true in theory, the reality is that if you are living with someone else who has children, the rules he or she has already established before you met will be something you must contend with -- even if you agree or don't agree with them in principle. That is why we always say it's important to be very clear about boundaries, discipline, and schedules before you move in together. Problems that were there before you did so do not miraculously disappear once you make the commitment to share a home. In fact, they only get more irritating!
Jann faced this very problem when she married Sharyl's ex-husband. They shared the opposite weekends Jann spent with her daughter. The kids wanted to be together, plus Jann and her husband liked having the "free" weekend without children. Jann's ex-husband had his life, too, and he had it organized around the way they had done things for years. It took some negotiation to switch the weekends so that the schedules coincided, but it did work out eventually -- although it did cause some heated discussions.
When you face this sort of problem the most important thing is to keep your frustration and ultimate negotiation away from the kids. It does them no good to know that mom and dad are at odds -- even if you are confident that you are right and he or she is wrong, wrong, wrong. Think of this as a problem to solve rather than a problem to fight about. Come to the table with a probable solution. There are three, possibly four adults mentioned in your letter. Surely with that many adult minds thinking in a positive problem solving direction, you can put your own interests aside and find an answer that puts all of the children first.
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(Jann Blackstone-Ford, Ph.D., and her husband's ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, authors of "Ex-Etiquette for Parents," are the founders of Bonus Families (http://). Reach them at .)
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(c) 2009, Contra Costa Times (Walnut Creek, Calif.).
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